your thong is hanging out like whoa
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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