he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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