my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
