You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
