Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
