i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize