We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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