too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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