I hate your face
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
