i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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