i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
