The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
