I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
