4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
