so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
