Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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