you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
