a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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