But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
