I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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