I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
