i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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