just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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