Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
