Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
