and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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