True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize