Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
