His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
