Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
