It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
