ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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