he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize