I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
