I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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