I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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