my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
