i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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