So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
