conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
