I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
