Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I love you. Go after that dick
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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