made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
