id be glad to
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
