I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
