I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
