allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
