I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
