i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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