Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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