after a month anything with tits is on the radar
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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