I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
