the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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