You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
