oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
