I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
